he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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