I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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