Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
