I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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