tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
