Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
