We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
