So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.