I puked a lego.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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