Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
