My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
