2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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