At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
