hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
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