I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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