I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
