Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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