I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
