you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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