Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
