Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
