He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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