my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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