ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
