even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
