I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
