so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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