Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
