lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
