Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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