You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
