I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
