At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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