i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
