Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
