I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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