if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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