you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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