Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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