You're so nebulous sometimes
Swine flu. Run for my life!
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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