She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
