I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
