If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
