I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
