I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
