We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
