dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
