I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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