Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
