it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
