I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
