Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
