Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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