Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
