I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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