I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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