if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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