you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
