can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
